Song Title:  139

(c) 2011 Neah Lee

Where can I go from your spirit

Where can I run from your presence

Though I hide in the darkness

Still you see me there

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I can rise up to the heavens

Or lie in the depths of hell

This time I’ve gone the farthest

Still you meet me here

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Search me Lord

and know me

Come search me Lord

Refine me

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Search me Lord

and know me

Come search me Lord

Refine me

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Take this rootless heart

And ground it in your life

Oh that I would live

And truly live

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Search me Lord

and know me

Come search me Lord

Refine me

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Search me Lord

and know me

Come search me Lord

Refine me

(c) 2011 Neah Lee

No power on earth

No power under hell

could ever take what

my saviors done

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no sin too great

no death can’t contain

the pursuit of a father

whose love invades

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Wake up

O my soul and all that’s within

Christ is risen from the dead

Christ is risen from the dead

Wake up

O my soul, and rise up with him

Death is beaten, freedom rings

Death is beaten, freedom rings

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with this joy set before me

let me run let me run

all things we have received so

let me run let me run

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with this truth upon my feet

let me run let me run

his freedom’s calling me

let me run

(c)2011 Neah Lee

fresh crisp green

sweet and salty air

drinking up the summer day

like a tall glass of lemonade

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blowing poppy seeds

up into the floating ocean above

sending off wishes

for your friends scattered abroad

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dancing on my naked feet

i close my eyes and squish my toes

clinging to the blades of grass

so they won’t run away this time

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stay awhile summertime i like it when you flash your smile

Recording and the story behind the song will have to come later. My apologies!

Song Title: Dear Rapunzel

(c) 2011 Neah Lee

I’m finished with this

Old tired routine

My past is not

my destiny

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Sever the stairs

It climbs up upon

No more curses

That keeps me pawn

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Dear Rapunzel Rapunzel

I won’t let down my hair

Dear Rapunzel Rapunzel

Feel a change in the air

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I rebel from these sins

this den of thieves that I’m in

Come reclaim my birthright

of kings and queens

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No darkness too deep

To hide me from thee

This time we’ll jump

on the count of three

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Dear Rapunzel Rapunzel

I won’t let down my hair

Dear Rapunzel Rapunzel

Feel a change in the air

I struggle to remember….I forget my keys, I forget the names of the people I meet, I sometimes forget to tell my parents i love them….but there’s a deeper kind of remembering that I  struggle with….When I mess up, I get sucked into my failures sometimes and forget how faithful God has been in working on issues from the past, who works on me even now, and will continue to mold and change me…..I fail to see the vegetation growing from my life thinking i’m still the seed that is struggling to grow….but there are different seasons that bring different needs…..the need to be uprooted and replanted…or pruned and trimmed…..and sometimes the necessity of death in order to truly live…to grow even stronger and more beautiful with new life….

I thought I was good with the process of change….but I realize I’m still scared of it…..especially when i’m not fully in control of that change…..of how i want it to look (esp to others), and when i want it to happen….we want the change to look neat and nice….heroic and almost glamorous…like in the movies……but most of the time, we don’t know what we’re asking for when we say we want change….it’s far from pretty…no…it’s darn right ugly and messy sometimes….kinda like reality tv.

I don’t really watch tv and i especially don’t care for reality tv.  However, there was a time when I was really sick and had to stay in bed for 2 days….and somehow I ended up watching a WHOLE SEASON of CELEBRITY FIT CLUB….

ok ok, so I secretly really wanted to watch it and decided being sick was a great excuse to do so…..

I was amazed to see these celebrities who were once really successful, envied by the world, now exposing all their junks in their trunks to the world, literally….some of them had really “let themselves go” and placed their identities in food and other things because they could no longer put it in their fame…..no more nice camera angles and lighting  to hide their imperfections….no, they were now standing there in their spandex pants and sports bras exposing all their measurements for the world to judge and see….just as messed up and imperfect like the rest of us….

it was easy to judge their cranky, rude, and sometimes ludicrous behavior on the show…..but could you blame them really?  these were people who had become lost….they didn’t know who they were anymore because the media had told them they were “something” because of what they did, what they had….they thought they were valuable because of their fame…..and now they were the “has-beens” who had gained a whole bunch of weight…i began to feel sorry for them…..because i saw a little bit of me in them….people who had forgotten the essence of who they were…..

Being forced to make lots of uncomfortable changes would make anyone defensive and vulnerable….and how much more vulnerable can you get when you have to stand on a scale with millions of people watching you? you want to protect yourself, or maybe i should say, your pride…..to try to save some sense of dignity in the midst of humiliation….in being humbled…..i’m sure there were moments when they were alone in their rooms, and they were wrestling with condemning thoughts, realizing they’re more a mess and out of shape than they first realized….thoughts of quitting and running away….

but what impressed me the most, were those few who after a period of feeling sorry for themselves, started to realize this was the best thing that could happen to them….they had to at least try and put in their best efforts and hope for the best…and you would think the trainers would give them a break for doing so….but instead they kept pushing harder because they believed that they could handle it…..even when these celebrities were on the brink of breaking down, these trainers wouldn’t let them quit….and even the teammates were all rooting for each other…..at every weigh in, everybody wanted to see each person succeed. There wasn’t a “survival of the fittest” mentality here. Where did this compassion come from?  Maybe it was because they saw themselves in each other….your weakness is my weakness…your success is my success…..

And with that you saw the entire community change….Not only were they all becoming healthier physically but their attitudes were changing for the good…..the ones that used to be the first to complain and the last to finish a challenge, were now the ones running with newborn confidence….and that confidence even helped them win some challenges that were previously too overwhelming……it wasn’t just a win for themselves, but a win for all those witnessing the changes…..what’s more impressive is that their attitudes to failure were also changing……it was ok if they didn’t lose as much weight one day than before, as long as they were continuing in their life-style changes…..it was the faithfulness to continue no matter the result for that moment…..because in the end, it would be worth it….

i doubt they would ever let themselves forget what they went through….and the relationships that they made….maybe that’s the value of doing something so difficult and vulnerable within community, no matter how dis-functional the community may be (but aren’t we all?)….people witness not only the change but also what they had changed FROM…and what it took to get them where they were – all the failures, all the tears and doubts that were also part of the process…….these were all an important part of the process…..so when we see where the person is now, we’re able to have a greater appreciation for that change….it’s richer and more significant…. not a cheap win…but a costly one…

So I confess….I have days when I focus on the end result than the process and the people involved that end up changing me.

…..so today i’m choosing to remember….to remember all the places God has brought me through….to remember all the amazing people God’s brought to journey with me in my life….to remember the God who has seen me being formed in my mothers womb and who sees me even now, who has never deceived me, whose promises are never empty, and that even in my darkest hours, He has always been there, working it out somehow….and in remembering, to rejoice in the everyday process of change and growth….no matter how low or how high it brings me….my hope is becoming thick and meaty……and the little sapling is seeing the shadow of a mighty oak take flesh…..and realizing she’s not alone…but surrounded by a mighty forest of other beautiful trees who had grown alongside of her….

Psalm 77
¹ I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
² When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
³ I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.

⁴ You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
⁵ I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
⁶ when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
⁷ Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
⁸ Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
⁹ Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?
¹⁰ And I said, “This is my fate;
the Most High has turned his hand against me.”

¹¹ But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.

(C) 2011 Neah Lee

heaven’s gates open

and now shes passing thru

safely home in a way i am not

into his presence full

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but is it wrong to want delay

what is right to celebrate

to have the saints join in

the song of my discontent

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from dust we came and to dust we return

and the morrows that come with them

i long for what i do not know

beyond the land of the living

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Been reflecting on the idea of what it means to live in community and fell upon this quote.

“I think the idea that you can have an intentional community is about as misleading as saying you can have an intentional life. If you’re going to have a decent and stable community, you’ve got to produce the cultural and social forms by which to deal with the unexpected and the undesirable. The intentional community idea assumes that when you say love your neighbor as yourself, you have some kind of right to pick your neighbor. I think the ideal of loving your neighbor has to take on the possibility that he may be somebody you’re going to have great difficulty loving or liking or even tolerating.”
Wendell Berry -from an interview in Mother Earth News, 1973

Doing life with other people in the way that Jesus really wants us to….is scary stuff. It’s opening yourself up to a world of hurt, disappointment, and vulnerability.  But it’s also opening up to the best kind of love…the kind of love that is rich in patience, understanding…love that is long-suffering, bears all things….the kind of love that can only be taught through making mistakes….the best kind of mistakes….

Song Title: Uneasy  (recording coming soon)

(c) 2011 Neah Lee

If every road that rises up

would meet me with its full intent

I would lay claims on the future

and carry with me no regrets

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It’s easy when each step is placed

so neatly with no risk to take

imaginary leaps and gains……

I’ve think I’ve made

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so maybe, it’s time

i take this road

less traveled on

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’cause sometimes, it takes

losing my way

to finally be found

So I’m gonna let it breathe.  I’ve been meditating on the following truth:

“My darkness is as nothing to you.”

We’ll see what comes of it.  But tonight, I’m ok with not having a song.  It’s not for the songs that I’m doing this, but to be with Him.

Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Listen to IF YOU CAN

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As I planned to write today’s song, in the midst of the aftermath of the tragic events happening in Japan – praying for the men, women, and children who are frightened, lost, in despair…trying to imagine what they must be thinking and feeling…the closest I could come to was what I experienced during 9-11 in NYC…….remembering how desperate I was for God’s hand, the hand that I had known to be rich in mercy,full of love and grace…desperate for that hand to move now…..I struggled to find words writing the song for Day 3…..But isn’t that always the case when we come upon tragic events?  when things that are completely outside of our power to prevent or fix become overwhelming….and the enormity of what is happening in the world starts to consume and feed into our deepest fears….and we don’t know what to pray…..tears instead replace our words…..

But even when we can’t find the words to pray, God still hears them.  He carries the prayers that have been said and have not been said.  And He is moving…..to bring restoration and beauty in ways we cannot fully understand…despite our unbelief.

(recording will be added tomorrow)

Song Title: If You Can  (Mark 9)

(c) 2011 Neah Lee

Jesus bid me come

Lead me out of despair

so i may raise up this stone, my help

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Tell me who you are again

Speak into my fears

and feed my waning faith with hope

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Jesus I believe

Jesus I believe

So help my unbelief

Jesus I believe

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Amen to every prayer

Amen to every day

surely goodness and mercy will follow