So I know many of you have been waiting patiently for this next blog entry. The original draft was mostly completed and ready to be posted up sometime today. It detailed out the rollercoaster ride Tai and I have been on these past 2.5 years trying to get pregnant with all the ways people advise you to try – diet, exercise, acupuncture, “just have a lot of sex without being stressed” (cue eye roll), timing ovulation, eastern and western medicine, doctors, specialists, tests and more tests…And while I’m writing about life that has already happened, life continues to happen…unexpected things that throw you for a curveball and make you realize there’s more you might have to look into regarding your plans. To pause and to wait yet again. Not such a bad thing really in the grand scheme of things.
But you have to understand something….when you’ve been living in a constant state of limbo for a long time, when you think you’ve finally found some clarity into a decision after you’ve been feeling like every previous hopeful step towards something has been answered with a constant “NO” or “It’s not possible”…..that moment of clarity feels like a gift from God, a dose of hope you desperately are needing….like ok, ALL this crap we just went through sucked but it’s finally brought is HERE, THIS is it. We can finally move forward…so even though there might be more steps in the discernment process, sometimes you take the leap and start planning. And then as you take these steps forward (like sharing this blog in order to invite people to help support and walk with you in the decision that you made), some things you never thought to consider present themselves to you, making you indecisive and wary of moving forward because you’re now reconsidering everything that you thought you had processed through with this decision as well as other ones that you’re now thinking was dismissed too quickly….And you feel discouraged and guilty towards everyone around you, especially your poor husband who is most impacted by my actions, inactions, or change in actions in this journey while trying to be as supportive as he can in this journey that he too has been greatly affected by and is processing.
So here I am trying hard not to cringe and bury my head in a hole because I feel like I should’ve waited to share publicly with all 250 of you…I honestly feel like a rock stuck in a hard place….I made this commitment to share our story with you to help us build support around what we thought would be our “big news.” But it looks like we will need more time before and if we do so….(at least I may need to rethink sharing this way with what ended up being a much bigger group of people than expected and with something that is of this nature). Sometimes in life, especially when you’re still in a difficult season, you find it harder to find confidence in your own voice and the decisions that you make. Even when you thought at the time it seemed crystal clear and you were sure of your decision and words….and the steps you were taking felt wise even. You see, when the past 2.5 years, all the choices and steps you have made have resulted in one disappointment after another…..it breaks you. Your spirit, your courage, your heart. And it’s pretty humbling realizing that the original purpose in sharing vulnerably about our difficult journey to reveal some good news is not something you can do anymore…not at this time.
And of course we will eventually move forward….we are just realizing there’s just a lot of both internal and external things we still need to process through. And who knows, a month from now or several months from now, it might bring us back to the same decision but hopefully with even more clarity and gumption. I know some of you reading this have been through longer and even more difficult journeys than ours. And you might currently be in the middle of one. We would love to know if you are. If anything, we’d love to be able to be a listening ear and to pray for you as we also desperately covet your prayers at this time. And though we appreciate your well intentions to give advice or offer up solutions, what we need most from our friends and family is the “behind the scenes” type of support – your prayers, presence, and friendship. I know this leaves still a lot of questions for you about what’s going on with us and we hope we can share it with you….when we are ready. You can always ask, but please don’t be offended if neither of us have the energy to talk about this if we ever talk in person or over the phone…..
I’m not sure how you all will receive this but thank you. Thank you for being interested, for wanting to know about our story, and caring enough to be invested in our lives. And thank you for understanding that life is a constant journey of learning…a messy one at that…one that builds up, breaks down, dismantles and changes you. Thank you for doing life with us in different ways, at different times, but with the same unconditional love.
We love you and thanks for listening.